Girls don’t understand guys. Partly because we’re so fundamentally different, and partly because girls, for the most part, are catty and awful to each other. It’s true, but let’s not dwell on that. This right here is a self-deprecating peek into the hairy-chested world of MEN.
Dudes, bros, whatever you want to call them — these are some cold, hard man facts…
5. It’s possible to sit on our own balls.
Guys have it way easier than girls, that’s a fact. But this right here is biological bullshit. Sure, you know our testicles dangle, but did you know we can actually smash them with our ass? We can, and believe me sister, it ain’t no joke. One unintentional nut-squash can ruin a whole week. The pain may fade, but the fear…that fear stays with you.
Keep in mind, by the time we’re 50, our balls are touching water when we sit on the toilet. They become ticking time balls…pendulums of doom…
4. Girls, anything you do can and will be used against you in the court of masturbation.
Guys aren’t creative when they’re beating off. Most times they take a situation they’ve been in, and just insert unrealistic sex. Did you tie your shoe? Let me just help you with that and…sex. The vending machine took your dollar?? Hold on, let me just punch it and there you go, there’s your water, poured on you and…sex. Oh no, someone broke into you car? You know it breaks my heart to live in such a cold, hard world. We should call the police, no wait, let me just take off my pants and…sex.
3. Farting is a form of bonding.
Sure, you probably know that guys love fart jokes. But did you know that guys use this as a way to get to know each other? Let’s face it, when two bros meet for the first time, there’s usually animosity. But once they share a good fart, they realize they have more in common than they thought. “Hey, you like farts too?” And thus, a new bro-ship is formed.
2. If you’re boyfriend, roommate or husband owns hand lotion, he’s using it to jerk off.
If your man’s got hand lotion in his bathroom, there’s a box tissues somewhere nearby. Why? It’s a simple fact: guys don’t use hand lotion. Unless they’re lathering it on their tallboy as a MacGuyver-ish form of lubrication. It works. Pretty much anything works.
1. Taking a shit at work is the most satisfying feeling ever.
Guys love to shit. The only thing better than taking a nice long shit, is getting paid to take a nice long shit. Girls might think this is gross, but let them. I just played 3 games of “Words With Friends”, shit out a chocolate squirrel, and made $15. You do the math.
And there you have it. Five man facts that just blew your fucking mind. I’m guessing you now have a lot more respect for our balls, and a lot less respect for our asses and pride.
Obviously, this list is by no means comprehensive, and I have purposely not addressed the issue of girls pooping. (We know you do, it’s disgusting.) But if you think I missed any big ones, feel free to leave them in the comments. Perhaps we can lube our dipstick and take a stab at a Part Deux of this countdown. God knows, we got enough ammo to keep ’em coming.
In the meantime, I’ll leave you with a song and my sincerest bro-fart. Because after reading this, you are now one step closer to being a man…