Top 5 Music Videos That Could Pass As Porn

If there’s anything I’ve learned from today’s pop music, it’s that glistening boobs sell crappy downloads. And while it’s nothing new that “sex sells,” this whole “film that sex, loop it to a crappy beat, and put it on basic cable” thing IS kinda new…and kinda amazing.

So we invite you to sit back, put taste aside, and double down on those drawers as we take you through this scantily-clad Top 5. We warn you, some of this awesomeness is NSFW. But then again, if you can’t watch this at work, your company probably hates America.

#5) Prodigy – Smack My Bitch Up

Drugs, sex, partying, puke, hookers, & grand theft auto…if I made a porno, this video would be the Cliff Notes. Sure, most of it doesn’t fit the list, but the last two minutes makes up for it (because it IS a porno).

This was banned from TV back in ’97, so it’s hard to find an uncensored version. But we scrounged around and found it. It’s totally NSFW, but it’s also one hell of a way to kick off this countdown…

#4) Chris Isaak – Wicked Game

Lyrical content and man-gayness aside, this entry brings a bit of class to this totally classless list.

What Chris does here is take a quaint song about falling in love and cover it with clouds and hot shots of softcore sex on the beach. Check around 2:10, I’m pretty sure I saw penetration. If this is what love looks like, sign me up…

#3) Christina Aguilera – Dirrty

Assless chaps and a gallon of eye makeup…it’s the sure-fire way to get herpes — err, “dirrty.” 20 years from now when all teenagers are prostitutes, historians will undoubtedly pinpoint this this song as its cause. Prior to 2002, guys had to wait until prom to get laid. But thanks to Christina and this super-skank anthem, boys in 3rd grade now enjoy bee-jays in the cafeteria while sipping on their chocolate milk.

Jealous? Yes. But also proud. That’s why this video comes in at a righteous #3…

#2) Benny Benassi – Satisfaction

Sexual innuendo, power tools and enough KY-covered titties to give ol’ Blue a heart attack. This music video not only makes me proud to be an American, it makes me wish I worked on construction site with a crack team of hookers.

Grab a drill and pound this one out. You’re my boy Blue!!

#1) “Call On Me” – Eric Prydz

This video has so much juicy ass in spandex, it should be called “Come On Me.” (Sorry about that one.) It’s softcore aerobics porn, bundled up tightly around a shitty dance song that repeats the three same words for three minutes. But who cares — it’s not about music, it’s about how far that piece of fabric can get jammed up that P90X booty.

Normal people may watch this video looking over their shoulder, afraid someone might spot them and assume they’re catching a quick beat. I say let them look. This music video is worth any shunning you may receive. I mean, this is CLASSIC, award-winning music. The main aerobics instructor in this video won three Boneys back in 2004. That’s unprecedented.

It’s all you could ask for in a porno music video, and that’s why it’s coming in that #1 spot….

And with that tent in your pants, we’ll be wrapping up the countdown. I’m sure there’s a few nip-slips I’ve missed, so I invite you to leave your comments and/or better suggestions below. Keep in mind, this list is skewed towards modern, lubed-up skanks. As much as I love “Cherry Pie” by Warrant, it doesn’t make me feel bad about myself after watching it. That just doesn’t cut it.

Hope you enjoyed the list. And hey, there’s even some half-decent music on here too. Want a party tip? Play this on a projector at your next party. It’s a great conversation starter…

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