One of our all-time favorite comedians returned to SNL to chat about his daughter’s shitty play, first world problems and how you’re definitely not going to heaven…
All the time, I see these motivational articles professing the secret methods to how people have become millionaires or launched global brands worth billions. These articles are inspiring and I respect them — but not really, because they make me feel like shit.
Who wants to read about how much of a lazy asshole you are? Or how everything can change if your just “get into the mental game at work”. What the fuck does that even mean?
So I decided to share MY SECRET. I even found a picture of two people shaking hands, which somehow implies success. (But just to be clear, this article will help you become that hairy forearm, not the arm in the business suit.)
Here are the 10 steps to not really getting ahead, but also kinda moving forward (not really), with a smile on your face…
1. Set your goals at Medium.
There’s an old saying: “Shoot for the moon. If you miss, you’ll at least be among the stars.” Well, I just watched Gravity. And the fuck if I want to miss and be left out near the stars, hallucinating about George Clooney and shit. Stay grounded. Set your sights on medium. You’re not gonna be the President. But maybe…just maybe… you could be the President of your Fantasy Football League.
2. You have a job? Good. That’s it.
What? You have a job. Just keep it. They’re probably gonna increase your pay 3% a year, which doesn’t sound like much, but that’s because it isn’t much. But you can live off of it, leave at 5pm, and you get two days off a week. That’s it. Don’t be a greedy asshole.
3. Read a little bit.
Not too much, but a little. I always feel super stoked about myself when I read a book, like I deserve a prize or something. Even if it’s Harry Potter. So what? It’s words. Set your goal for 3 books a year or something. Not too high. You don’t want to be a fucking bookworm. But if you read 3, you’ll probably feel like a well-read bad ass.
4. Get a girlfriend or wife.
And if your a girl, get yourself a boyfriend or husband. (Obviously.) But this is important. Having a partner to vent to or joke with is critical to being moderately happy. If you’re single, stop trying to fuck a million people and just pick someone. As long as their relatively cool and like Bar Rescue.
5. Get an OK apartment.
Don’t think you can get the penthouse overlooking Central Park if you’re gonna be following this method. You don’t want that anyway, god knows how many prostitutes have been up there. Get an apartment you can afford. Something that’s nice, but not like, “holy shit, my friends have to see this place.” Fuck your friends. Let them get the nice place, and you go over there. That’s an automatic win.
Stay tuned for next episode, where BaneCat turns Rob’s mouth into his own personal litter box.
Nothing better than pure Columbian Teenager ground coffee.
Pretty sure this kid is an ass man.
I’d like to see a special Oscar edition featuring: Dallas Batman Club, 12 Years A Bane and Nebratman.
This is gold…
>> For more elderly education, check out Young & Old on Youtube…